The original Russian text is available here.
Probably every mature person has at least once asked himself why there is so much shit around, why should he produce all this shit, and who could make use of it. This short memo answers all most important questions of the present regarding shit, i.e., all most important questions of the present. Once you'll read it, you'll understand how shit cycles in nature, why shit became the most successful commodity in the human history, and why the transition from the post-industrial economics to the economics of shit was rapid and inevitable. I hope that many of you will also get rid of complexes connected with shit because this is the primary requirement for survival in our complicated and sometimes cruel world.
In the middle of the XX century the humanity faced a number of problems. The future problems of over-population, lack of natural resources and the third world war became evident. Next, fishing became much worse than once upon a time. Third, the manufactures increased the productivity too much. If you make one hundred cars in a minute, and they do not break for the next ten years, then soon you go far-far-away¹ together with your factory, which is very sad.
The history did not save for us the name of a person, who first had a brilliant idea to produce shit instead of cars. But we certainly can imagine that at
first his ideas were not well accepted.
― People will not buy it ― a metalworker was saying. Obtuse, narrow-minded and stubborn.
― You do not understand! ― was arguing a young professional, shaking sheets with graphs in front of the metalworker's dirty face. I've graduated Eton!
It's not that I propose shit, but you ― do you now who you are? Yes, you!
And so, who am I? ― asked the metalworker, turning around. He already started having interest towards that young man.
The young man was never answering such questions, but nevertheless he was often battered. However, to the persistence of the strong sinning we the song², and after several years of meaningless wanderings in workshops and corporations, the first experimental shit production started. The shareholders were nervous. The plant director (who himself once was making cars) was looking with anxiety on the production line where the cars were made out of the authentic shit. This was a solemn moment when everything was new and (if one could say that) fresh.
And, contrary to all expectations the young man appeared to be right. The buyers liked shit more than other goods and have even discovered some (unexpected for the engineers) advantages. The shit has come into mass production.
Soon the car manufactures realized that there are three essential elements in the shit production: advertising, design, and the price.
Thanks to the advertising, any shit can be sold. Thanks to the design a shit can be sold for a higher price.
And correctly chosen price – not too expensive, but not to cheap – prevents the buyer from realizing that he has bough shit.
The success of shit on the market was so amazing that soon similar production techniques became wide spread, and not only in the car industry.
(At first Japaneses were breaking balls to everyone else since their English was bad and they have heard nothing about The Theory Of Successful Shit, but finally they've also accepted the
common rules.)
The sales of shit gave birth to the service industry (which was repairing the shit), advertising industry (which was inventing new names for the shit) and the Wal-Mart shops network.
Some intellectuals are hard to deal with. During his childhood such a looser dreamed to become another Severyanin, and now he works in some small local newspaper. Of course he considers everyone around as an enemy. Despite working in a shitty local newspaper, he often tries to finish his texts with the words "I am genious". This "I am genious" he (due to unknown reasons) thinks to be the "creativity freedom". If a looser hasn't got enough "creativity freedom", he becomes upset and stops working. Can anyone imagine a metalworker who today cannot construct a car, or a fireman who today can not put out the fire?
But the looser says:
― I have no inspiration today.
And looks lamentably.
Its those second-raters are the ones who postpone the final victory of shit over evil. Those morrons "feel shame to make such a shit." In the end of the day, they will eventually give their shit to the society, but before that they are going to suck liters of their bosses' blood.³ In order to force these guys give you what you want from them, the following phrases are useful: "but you are a professional", "you work not for people, but for the audience", "consumers like that!", "I understand you", "you have to pay off your mortgage", "you are shit yourself". Combine menaces and flattery, this works.
¹I mean a rude form of saying "gone bankrupt" or "fired".
²Compare with "to the recklessness of the brave sinning we the song" – a well known line from a Russian poem.
³An idiomatic expression "to suck someone's blood" means to make this person unhappy.
Last modified: Mon Jun 24 14:06:14 EDT 2013